2015

The first quarter of the year knocked the wind out of me

Today's the last day of the year and I'm still trying to catch my breath

2015 sped by with a sequence of highs and lows

with a lot of memories to cherish

  moments of celebration

  cries of grief

  missed connections

  tears from laughing

  sighs of relief

  answered prayers

  built walls

  new bridges

I questioned the path I am in

I stepped out of my bubble

I wore different hats

I lost, I gained

I conquered, I failed

This is the year I had to learn 

how to live with loss

how to find magic in the mundane

how to love what's left

how to stay steadfast

how to trust what isn't here yet

Through it all, God remained

beside me, behind me, ahead of me

His love—evident all around me

not bound by time or my feelings

No matter how messed up my life can get

No matter how perfect my life may seem

His love will remain

He is faithful still

So I'm pressing on

Believing for more

More of Him

more of Him

Christmas mourn

I ushered in Christmas trying to hold back tears. I didn't know grief can be strongly felt during a season of joy. My heart is grateful for that feeling of togetherness, the good food, gifts, stories and laughter exchanged—yet my heart is also breaking—because this is the first one we will celebrate without the only grandfather I grew up with. I wonder if God also felt grief when He had to let go of His Son for our undeserving sake. I wonder if Jesus mourned the loss of a glorious throne in heaven when He came down to be born in a manger. I wonder if the reason why God is close to the brokenhearted is because He knows what loss feels like. There are a lot of things that I don't know... But one thing we can hold on to is the truth that it didn't end in death—Jesus overcame the grave. There was glory waiting for Him after all the agony of the cross. I don't know if I'll ever get used to Amapo's absence during special days with our family, but I know I'll see him again one day. I'm not sure when mourning will end, but I know that if we keep pressing on, mourning will eventually turn into merry.

#ParaSaMgaNaMissColombia

Para sa mga pinanghawakan na makukuha nila ang matagal na nilang hinahangad at pinagdadasal
Para sa mga nagdiwang na dahil sa paniniwalang sa 'yo na ang korona at karangalan
Para sa mga nag-akalang nanalo ka pero pagkakamali pala
Para sa mga umasa at nasaktan
'Wag kang makalimot...
Alalahanin mo...
May Haring bumaba sa Kanyang trono para sa 'yo
May Diyos na nagpakatao para maranasan ang mga pinagdadaanan mo
Sa Kanya napunta ang korona ng tinik na dapat ay sa 'yo
Kaya okay lang, okay lang 'yan...
Masakit pero kayanin mo
Hindi mo naman kailangan ang korona ng kalawakang ito
Dahil para sa lumikha nito, ikaw ang mahalaga
Hindi lang mahalaga...
Mahal
Mahal ka Niya
Mahal na mahal.

Time

I spent time away from writing here
It's been a while
But I never stopped writing
I wrote on other blogs
I wrote on journals
I wrote on scratch papers
I wrote
To my soul's content
But there are days
Days when my hands won't write or type
When my mind can't form the words
that my heart wants to pour out
So I just stopped thinking altogether
Letting the feelings pass
Letting my thoughts dissolve
Letting time drift away
Where do they go?
Where does my time go?
Scrolling endlessly
doodling gibberish
spacing out
Where does time go?
Are you in the hands of a clock?
Are you in the battery of a watch?
Are you in the columns and rows of a calendar?
How can we grasp time?
It is passing
It is going
Every second, every minute, every day
Once it's gone
It's gone for good
A few weeks ago, I got to hear Pastor Mike give a Word about time 
The Greeks had two words for time
Kronos and kairos
Two words for time
Kronos, from which our word chronology came from,
is the time of calendars and clocks
The numbers in the seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years
Time that can be measured
Kairos, on the other hand, means the right and opportune moment
Seasons of love and loss, joy and sorrow, giving and receiving
Time neither bound by numbers nor our concept of time
Moments that cuts through the monotony of our kronos
Moments when God gives you a glimpse of Himself—of heaven here on earth
Like that time when you saw your father wipe a tear from his laughing eyes after your brother won first place in an art competition
The time when your mother walked into your room, pizza box in hand, as you lay in bed crying over a boy
The time when you had a long night at work and a stranger gave up his bus seat for you
The time when you got to praise and worship with your family—with tears in your eyes and grief in your heart
The time when your sinful heart—broken and shattered—encountered grace and let Jesus in
These are moments that happened at just the right time
Revel in them
Sink yourself in them
Don't miss what God is doing in your life
at this moment
in time

"With God, one day is as good as a thousand years, a thousand years as a day. God isn’t late with his promise as some measure lateness." (from 2 Peter 3:8-9, The Message)

"Hour by hour I place my days in your hand..." (from Psalm 31:14-18, The Message)

Almost.

Wow! It's been almost a year since I posted here.
I thought of breaking the silence so the last few posts can be bumped down. (haha)
I didn't know I can be so dramatic about love.
And waiting, and relationships.
Since then, a lot has changed.
I am not struggling anymore.
There are still struggles. I'm just not struggling.

A lot happened.
Mostly almosts.

Almost quit my job.
 Poor timelines.
 Sleepless nights.
 Overworked. Under appreciated.

Almost got impatient.
 Re: my last post about waiting.

Almost got interviewed by one of the top 10 ad agencies in the country.
 A friend recommended me.
 HR messaged my LinkedIn.
 Read the message a month after.

Almost, almost, almost. But not quite. It's not yet time.
I believe there's a time for everything.
And it's not yet time for the aforementioned things.
No. Not yet.
No, it's not rejection.
But a redirection.
God sets the time for everything.
He makes everything beautiful in its own time.
He is the Maker of time.
And He made you.
He made you for great things.
You were made to reflect His image.
His beautiful, spotless, perfect image.
He wants you to do excellent things.
He wants the world to see His glory through you.
Be ready for the time when He prompts you to do something.
Do it with faith.
Do it with excellence.
Do it for Him.

Be patient. Be vigilant.
Be ready.
Go.

His majesty awaits.

How?

"How do you handle the impatience
of wanting to be with the man you loved?"

How?

The questions that often cross my mind. It's the season. It's the season when God has placed a desire in my heart and asked for my patience.
I have this loneliness, a kind of longing.
Longing for companionship.
A relationship.
With someone who will take care of me.
Through thick and thin.
Someone who will pursue me.
Who will strive to be with me
No matter how hard that is.

How do I fill the whole that that longing brings?
Is there really a whole?

Back in college, my Marriage and Family professor told us...
Every morning, whenever we look in the mirror,
While fixing our face, combing our hair,
We need to tell ourselves,
"Today, God-willing, I'm going to meet the man of my dreams."

What if, you've already met him?
What if?
But how can you know?
How?

Every day I ask.
Every day I get an answer.
The answer is always... Wait.
To wait.
Wait.
No wonder that verb rhymes with weight.
You carry so much.
Your heart is heavy.
Your mind is full of thoughts.
You feel impatient. You feel like you're going nowhere.
You feel like you're being too complicated.
Too hard to understand,
too hard to love.

It's my season of waiting.
I want to love him now.
But I have to wait.
I need to wait.
God wants me to wait.
It's really hard.
The knowledge of God's perfect plan,
is all there is to focus on.
On this season.

"How long, Lord must I wait?
Never mind, child. Trust me."

The knowledge of His perfect plan
therefore brings me to trust in Him.
I don't know if we share the same feelings.
If he likes me as much as I like him
If he wants to be with me as much as I
But I'm holding on to Romans 8:28.
To wait.

"I must trust God in him,
trust God to do for both of us better than I know."

I won't hold on to his promises,
I will not entrust my heart to him.
Not yet. Not until the Lord says so.
Now, I will be my best. For Him.
I will wait.
As I wait,
I will seek Him in everything I do.
Give myself to knowing Him,
loving others, until he comes along with me.
I will give my feelings up to Him,
Prayerfully, I will lift up my desire for James.
And He, my Almighty Father, will take care of the rest.

Every day, every moment without "being with him"
It's a struggle.
It can be a mean cycle.
But it's part of a process.
It may be a pruning process,
or a test of faith,
or a test of patience,
or of obedience.
God only knows. His ways are higher, His thoughts are better.
I consider myself fortunate,
For the end result will always work for our good.

Wait.

Overcoming the overwhelming.

Anything I can do in my life, I can do because You love me.

A line I remembered from watching American Horror Story - Asylum. A line that I can quickly relate to my situation right now. Having been employed recently, I've been going through some ups and downs with work. There are times when I get stressed because I do not know how to do my job well. I just wanna make Him proud with every task given to me. Some days, I can't help but feel that I'm not good enough for my job. That I'm failing my bosses and the one true Boss in my life. And then I remember... It's not about me or about what I do... It's about what He's done. What He's given me. His overflowing, unfailing, and amazing grace that I don't deserve. He was there. Always looking, always smiling down on me..

When I was there in room 702, during my thesis presentation.
When I marched at the Quadrecentennial Pavillion.
When I waved at the audience as I receive my award.
When I went home and I was welcomed with congratulatory smiles and handshakes and hugs.
When I went to that job interview.
When I got hired on the spot.
When I had my 'last' vacation of bumming.
When I was on my way to a shoot for my first day at work.
When I got overwhelmed with the workload.
When I napped on the bus on the way home.

Every day, every moment of my life. He's always with me. I am never alone. I can do anything as long as I remain in Him. I can't do it on my own. But He can do it through me.

“We do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.” (Hebrews 10:39) 

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Another thing I've been praying about is someone... Someone very dear to me. He broke my heart some years ago but I gave him a second chance. A second chance to start anew. To start over again. I have faith in him. In us. But we have to wait. 'Til I let go of my insecurities brought on by previous heartbreak. 'Til we've completely surrendered our desires to God. I don't want to rush things. Love is waiting. I am holding on to his promise to wait for me, even if it hurts to wait... Foremost, I am holding on to His promise of amazing things to come.

I will always be praying for him, for us.. 
Great things come for those who wait on the Lord. Take heart and be courageous.