Almost.

Wow! It's been almost a year since I posted here.
I thought of breaking the silence so the last few posts can be bumped down. (haha)
I didn't know I can be so dramatic about love.
And waiting, and relationships.
Since then, a lot has changed.
I am not struggling anymore.
There are still struggles. I'm just not struggling.

A lot happened.
Mostly almosts.

Almost quit my job.
 Poor timelines.
 Sleepless nights.
 Overworked. Under appreciated.

Almost got impatient.
 Re: my last post about waiting.

Almost got interviewed by one of the top 10 ad agencies in the country.
 A friend recommended me.
 HR messaged my LinkedIn.
 Read the message a month after.

Almost, almost, almost. But not quite. It's not yet time.
I believe there's a time for everything.
And it's not yet time for the aforementioned things.
No. Not yet.
No, it's not rejection.
But a redirection.
God sets the time for everything.
He makes everything beautiful in its own time.
He is the Maker of time.
And He made you.
He made you for great things.
You were made to reflect His image.
His beautiful, spotless, perfect image.
He wants you to do excellent things.
He wants the world to see His glory through you.
Be ready for the time when He prompts you to do something.
Do it with faith.
Do it with excellence.
Do it for Him.

Be patient. Be vigilant.
Be ready.
Go.

His majesty awaits.

How?

"How do you handle the impatience
of wanting to be with the man you loved?"

How?

The questions that often cross my mind. It's the season. It's the season when God has placed a desire in my heart and asked for my patience.
I have this loneliness, a kind of longing.
Longing for companionship.
A relationship.
With someone who will take care of me.
Through thick and thin.
Someone who will pursue me.
Who will strive to be with me
No matter how hard that is.

How do I fill the whole that that longing brings?
Is there really a whole?

Back in college, my Marriage and Family professor told us...
Every morning, whenever we look in the mirror,
While fixing our face, combing our hair,
We need to tell ourselves,
"Today, God-willing, I'm going to meet the man of my dreams."

What if, you've already met him?
What if?
But how can you know?
How?

Every day I ask.
Every day I get an answer.
The answer is always... Wait.
To wait.
Wait.
No wonder that verb rhymes with weight.
You carry so much.
Your heart is heavy.
Your mind is full of thoughts.
You feel impatient. You feel like you're going nowhere.
You feel like you're being too complicated.
Too hard to understand,
too hard to love.

It's my season of waiting.
I want to love him now.
But I have to wait.
I need to wait.
God wants me to wait.
It's really hard.
The knowledge of God's perfect plan,
is all there is to focus on.
On this season.

"How long, Lord must I wait?
Never mind, child. Trust me."

The knowledge of His perfect plan
therefore brings me to trust in Him.
I don't know if we share the same feelings.
If he likes me as much as I like him
If he wants to be with me as much as I
But I'm holding on to Romans 8:28.
To wait.

"I must trust God in him,
trust God to do for both of us better than I know."

I won't hold on to his promises,
I will not entrust my heart to him.
Not yet. Not until the Lord says so.
Now, I will be my best. For Him.
I will wait.
As I wait,
I will seek Him in everything I do.
Give myself to knowing Him,
loving others, until he comes along with me.
I will give my feelings up to Him,
Prayerfully, I will lift up my desire for James.
And He, my Almighty Father, will take care of the rest.

Every day, every moment without "being with him"
It's a struggle.
It can be a mean cycle.
But it's part of a process.
It may be a pruning process,
or a test of faith,
or a test of patience,
or of obedience.
God only knows. His ways are higher, His thoughts are better.
I consider myself fortunate,
For the end result will always work for our good.

Wait.

Overcoming the overwhelming.

Anything I can do in my life, I can do because You love me.

A line I remembered from watching American Horror Story - Asylum. A line that I can quickly relate to my situation right now. Having been employed recently, I've been going through some ups and downs with work. There are times when I get stressed because I do not know how to do my job well. I just wanna make Him proud with every task given to me. Some days, I can't help but feel that I'm not good enough for my job. That I'm failing my bosses and the one true Boss in my life. And then I remember... It's not about me or about what I do... It's about what He's done. What He's given me. His overflowing, unfailing, and amazing grace that I don't deserve. He was there. Always looking, always smiling down on me..

When I was there in room 702, during my thesis presentation.
When I marched at the Quadrecentennial Pavillion.
When I waved at the audience as I receive my award.
When I went home and I was welcomed with congratulatory smiles and handshakes and hugs.
When I went to that job interview.
When I got hired on the spot.
When I had my 'last' vacation of bumming.
When I was on my way to a shoot for my first day at work.
When I got overwhelmed with the workload.
When I napped on the bus on the way home.

Every day, every moment of my life. He's always with me. I am never alone. I can do anything as long as I remain in Him. I can't do it on my own. But He can do it through me.

“We do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.” (Hebrews 10:39) 

-------------------------------------------------

Another thing I've been praying about is someone... Someone very dear to me. He broke my heart some years ago but I gave him a second chance. A second chance to start anew. To start over again. I have faith in him. In us. But we have to wait. 'Til I let go of my insecurities brought on by previous heartbreak. 'Til we've completely surrendered our desires to God. I don't want to rush things. Love is waiting. I am holding on to his promise to wait for me, even if it hurts to wait... Foremost, I am holding on to His promise of amazing things to come.

I will always be praying for him, for us.. 
Great things come for those who wait on the Lord. Take heart and be courageous.

A time of fasting

The past month sped by like a cheetah. (lame simile, I know) But that's the best I can come up with right now. Though right now, coming up with similes should be the last thing I'm doing, and yet here I am, writing about it. I should be finishing my illustrations for my final thesis. Instead, here I am...taking a break... One cannot simply work continuously on an illustration, unless you have ADHD. Haha. All jokes aside, I just want to share what I've been up to this past week. Last Sunday, I was overcome by the amount of time I waste on social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter. Yes, I know that John Lennon said that the time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time...but still, you can't help but think of the time that's passed, passing, and will pass. How you can't get any of it back. Sometimes, I find myself on the verge of hating the concept of time... I once saw a picture of a vandalism, "time doesn't exist, clocks do." I can't help but wonder why the person who invented clocks did it... Why was it so important to know the time? The philosopher who wrote the book of Ecclesiastes said it most sensibly:

There is a time for everything,

    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

 It got me thinking... Should I really allot a time for checking Facebook and Twitter? If the philosopher lived during our time, will he add a line saying "a time to tweet and a time to post a status"? It can be a possibility! Especially now when everyone seems to like sharing everything that's going on in their lives, their likes, dislikes, rants and whatnot. So that Sunday, I thought to myself, why are you wasting your time in front of a computer when you can do so much more. That night, I also decided that I will make time away from those networking sites. I unplugged my computer to plug in my heart, to spend some time with the Lord (and also some time with my thesis and in front of the TV). Fasting from Facebook and Twitter may seem like a small task but its effects are tremendous. Come Monday, I have lesser things to procrastinate with. I had more time to work on my thesis and to reflect about some of the problems I have in my life right now. It gave me more time to work on school requirements, to think, to pray, and to get closer to God. Fasting is usually for food but when you go online on Facebook or Twitter everyday like it's a necessity, I think it's something that can be a good start for you in learning how to fast. Fasting is something you do to enable more of your spirit to hear clearly what the Lord is saying to you. It will help you focus more on your relationship with Him. It's already Friday and I haven't logged in on Facebook for four days. I believe I can still go on without that site for a few more days and that's what I plan to do. This post will serve as my commitment to cutting time from social networking sites to give more time for my relationships (with thesis, friends, and most especially, with God). Please pray with me. :)

#TimeToMoveOn

There was a time when my friends and I liked being outside more than staying in front of the TV or the computer. We were so full of energy, always ready to run, jump and play. We knew everyone on our street 'cause we play with them almost every afternoon. A variety of games like patintero, tumbang preso, tagu-taguan, ice ice water, and piko are just some of the choices we have on what to do every time we play outside.We even have a special "code" when calling each other when we wanna play. We'd clap as loud as we can outside our friend's house to get his or her attention, then it's either they let us in their house or they join us outside. We'd play and horse around to our heart's content or until it's dinner time. Sometimes, we'd eat dinner together, at a different house each night. Reminiscing about it so much fun, but it also makes me wonder...

In every day we spent with each other's company, every game we played, every conversations we had, everything between us, there's always been a hope in me that we would be friends forever. We've been friends since our parents' became friends, and right now, I don't think we are anymore. When did it stop? When did we stop clapping? Who gave up first? How can you just stop talking to someone who's known you since you were in kindergarten? Someone who's seen you naked as you played together at the kiddie pool? Someone who knows the names of your pets? Someone who lives right next door? And most importantly, why did that have to happen? People would often answer, "oh, we grew part," but you grew up together! How can you just grow apart like that? Now you treat each other like strangers, you can only call them a friend in Facebook 'cause you don't talk in real life, and you don't even chat on Facebook. You used to have "monito, monita" with them, but now all you exchange are awkward greetings when you pass by each other in the street; not even a tiny chat to check up on each other. I can tell you it's because we attended different schools during high school. Or maybe we made new and better friends. Maybe our schedules just won't let us see each other anymore. Maybe we always had better things to do than clap outside a neighbor's house. But God only knows the real reason why we grew apart. He also knows if we still have a chance at being friends; after all, we were close friends once.

You can cherish the memories from the past. The afternoons you spent together, the games you invented and played, the time you laughed, cried, and sang together. You can keep those memories in your heart. But now's the time to move on. Time to stop dwelling on the past. God is creating new beginnings for you. In fact, you are a brand new creation. A new creation in Christ. He's introducing you to new acquaintances. He's bringing you closer to your friends now. To someone you can talk to every day. To someone who'd know all your pets' names and all your favorite things. To someone you can grow old with and not grow apart from. He brings people in and out of your life for a reason. People change. You change. They grow, and you grow. And when that happens, it's time to move on. :)

“The righteous keep moving forward, and those with clean hands become stronger and stronger.” Job 17:9 (NLT)

Decrease to increase.

Just a while ago, I found out that a couple that I admire broke off their engagement. The level of sadness I felt was as if I was the one who just got un-engaged. I thought, "they're perfect together, how can they just break up like that?!" Then after stalking the guy, (I found out that more people are consoling him since he posted about the breakup on Facebook) I realized that there are times when everything seems perfect, something will happen that can make you think otherwise. A lot of people were posting Bible verses on his page. It's really overwhelming how friends, and even strangers are there for him, posting words of encouragement and support. I'm still trying to let it sink in. A couple that seemed so perfect just broke up and it makes me feel a little less hopeful regarding relationships. 'Cause if something like that can happen to a perfect couple like them...what would happen to other less-than-perfect couples? God's plan. That's what happens. That's exactly what should happen.

When you think that everything's so perfect, everything's going your way. You need to stop thinking. Stop thinking about what you want and start thinking about what He wants. What He wants for you is beyond perfect, beyond what you can imagine. After all, He's our father. And fathers want what's best for their children. Realizing all that is very important for me. 'Cause all too often, I focus on what I want and it always ends with frustration. In every bad situation, we need to keep in our minds and hearts that God is working. Always cheering us on during tough times, we just need to stop and look for His hand, always ready to carry us through. We need to use the bad things that are happening to strengthen our faith. We can use the pain we are feeling to heal other people's wounds. Don't waste the pain.

Broken can be beautiful. Better things are coming. For that couple. For you. For us.
Trust Him.

The magic stays with you, they said.

October 24, 2012.

A Wednesday that dawned without a cloud in a blue blue sky.

I, along with a group of friends, went to a theme park thinking that we would have an awesome time. That perceived awesome time was spent waiting in long long long lines. We spent 2 hours in line for an awesome roller coaster, only for the ride to malfunction just when we were about to get launched into outer space! Talk about wrong timing and bad luck (not that I believe in luck). But still! Getting asked to get off the ride when you didn't even experience it is quite maddening.

After that, we stayed clear of any lines because we couldn't take anymore queuing! Some of us we're cussing out the staff of the theme park for heartlessly shattering the opportunity to experience what would've been an awesome adrenaline rush. I wish they gave us candy for consolation or something. Two hours!! No, it was almost three hours! THREE HOURS OF OUR LIFE. For three hours we anticipated a ride that would blow us away but all we got IS NOTHING. We stood in line for three hours for nothing. It took a while before we got over it. That means we wasted more minutes to cope with the stress? No, it wasn't stress. I don't know what to call it. Disappointment? Misfortune? That's it. I'm going to call it a misfortune.

After that, more misfortunes came. It started to rain really hard. We were ten in the group but only three people had umbrellas, it would've been four but I lost my umbrella in the horror house. We were supposed to play paintball but because of the rain, the field is now muddy and it would be a hassle to play there. The ticket had a stub for a soft drink, and we were all craving for something to drink after waiting for nothing. When we got the drinks, viola!, they gave us a brand of soft drink that tastes like mothballs.

Misfortunes in life are inevitable. You go through it once in a while. And that's the point...you go THROUGH them. You fall down, then you stand up, learn from it, and pick up where you left off, stronger and smarter. I feel that the best response to those misfortunes is faith. We need to trust that a higher power is working behind those misfortunes we are experiencing.  Maybe it rained hard so that some of the park goers would go home. Consequently making the queues shorter so that we can enjoy more rides. We weren't able to ride the roller coaster, maybe because the ride isn't safe for one of us. Maybe because it's not yet the right time for that. Faith may bring an ability to accept the things we cannot change. Faith can help us to move on and to stand in a long line for another ride, with the strong conviction that it will be an awesome ride.

An hour before closing time, we managed to squeeze in 3 rides. That's not bad at all. It brought a sudden rise to our spirits. Indeed, the end of something is better than its beginning. You just gotta have faith.