Blurred Vision

Sometimes, life goes by so fast it becomes a blur. I was once subjected to the question, "what's your biggest fear?" And I had to answer using any Queen song. I googled their songs and found a list. In that list, the song that seem to be most apt for me regarding the question is "Blurred Vision," both literally and figuratively.

I have a 20-20 eyesight and I don't want to have to wear glasses. I love reading and surfing the internet. It's such a petty thing, I know. Figuratively, I don't want to loose sight of God's plan for me.  I admit, I often stumble as I go my way towards what He (hopefully) wants for me. Right now, I'm still not sure, but as I write this, I  believe I'm one step closer. From time to time, I try to reflect about what has happened in my life, how things from the past affected where I am now, and how can my actions today can affect my future. It's the pebble in the water effect, or the butterfly effect. As Newton would put it, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I'm truly grateful for everything that's happened in my life so far. All the ups and downs, everything made me closer to God. And that makes me feel like my vision isn't blurred at all. Regarding what I'm doing now, I'm having slight problems. I'm always "pinanghihinaan ng loob" regarding my book illustration project. I'm having a hard time taking criticism and putting it to good use. I just want to get it over with. I know, with God, I can do it. I hope with the hard work and dedication I put in making my thesis, everything will be okay and I'll have clearer vision of what lies ahead. Stumbling and getting up is just part of it all, and I plan to embrace that fact. 

Feel the feelings.

I wish feelings are just meant to be felt. Not explained. I mean, why do you have to explain or understand them? It's a difficult thing to do, to understand and to explain. Why do some people think you have to do it? Saying things like they wish they can explain their feelings. I don't get it.   Why can't you just feel it? 


Last night, I had a conversation with someone about the past. Every time we chat, all conversations seem to lead to it. The past. It's unsettling. It's been 2 years since everything happened and we still talk about it like it was just yesterday. He told me everything. Well, not everything... But I guess, everything I needed to know or everything he wanted me to know. He just decided that it was time to clarify things out. He explained his actions that caused me my very first heartbreak. His explanations lead me to saying that maybe, we weren't meant for each other. Us? Together? Maybe it's just not meant to be. Typing that out made it more real than ever. Tears overflowed after mulling over that statement. That realization broke the dam that was containing the waters of my expectations. I strongly believed that we had a chance. A potential to create something beautiful together. Now, that belief is slowly vanishing, turning to a hope that there's someone else out there that I can create something beautiful with. A conviction that in the end, everything is going to be amazing. In a way, that conversation made me feel refreshed. Refreshed because I finally got the explanation I needed 2 years ago. When I went online that night, I never expected to have a conversation like that. Life is just full of surprises, isn't it? I love it.

Actions explained.
Feelings understood.
It's all good in the hood.

As the philosopher from Ecclesiastes put it, "the end of something is better than its beginning."

Here's to the end of somethings and for better beginnings! To feelings that you don't know how to explain, and feelings that don't need explaining.