How?

"How do you handle the impatience
of wanting to be with the man you loved?"

How?

The questions that often cross my mind. It's the season. It's the season when God has placed a desire in my heart and asked for my patience.
I have this loneliness, a kind of longing.
Longing for companionship.
A relationship.
With someone who will take care of me.
Through thick and thin.
Someone who will pursue me.
Who will strive to be with me
No matter how hard that is.

How do I fill the whole that that longing brings?
Is there really a whole?

Back in college, my Marriage and Family professor told us...
Every morning, whenever we look in the mirror,
While fixing our face, combing our hair,
We need to tell ourselves,
"Today, God-willing, I'm going to meet the man of my dreams."

What if, you've already met him?
What if?
But how can you know?
How?

Every day I ask.
Every day I get an answer.
The answer is always... Wait.
To wait.
Wait.
No wonder that verb rhymes with weight.
You carry so much.
Your heart is heavy.
Your mind is full of thoughts.
You feel impatient. You feel like you're going nowhere.
You feel like you're being too complicated.
Too hard to understand,
too hard to love.

It's my season of waiting.
I want to love him now.
But I have to wait.
I need to wait.
God wants me to wait.
It's really hard.
The knowledge of God's perfect plan,
is all there is to focus on.
On this season.

"How long, Lord must I wait?
Never mind, child. Trust me."

The knowledge of His perfect plan
therefore brings me to trust in Him.
I don't know if we share the same feelings.
If he likes me as much as I like him
If he wants to be with me as much as I
But I'm holding on to Romans 8:28.
To wait.

"I must trust God in him,
trust God to do for both of us better than I know."

I won't hold on to his promises,
I will not entrust my heart to him.
Not yet. Not until the Lord says so.
Now, I will be my best. For Him.
I will wait.
As I wait,
I will seek Him in everything I do.
Give myself to knowing Him,
loving others, until he comes along with me.
I will give my feelings up to Him,
Prayerfully, I will lift up my desire for James.
And He, my Almighty Father, will take care of the rest.

Every day, every moment without "being with him"
It's a struggle.
It can be a mean cycle.
But it's part of a process.
It may be a pruning process,
or a test of faith,
or a test of patience,
or of obedience.
God only knows. His ways are higher, His thoughts are better.
I consider myself fortunate,
For the end result will always work for our good.

Wait.