How?

"How do you handle the impatience
of wanting to be with the man you loved?"

How?

The questions that often cross my mind. It's the season. It's the season when God has placed a desire in my heart and asked for my patience.
I have this loneliness, a kind of longing.
Longing for companionship.
A relationship.
With someone who will take care of me.
Through thick and thin.
Someone who will pursue me.
Who will strive to be with me
No matter how hard that is.

How do I fill the whole that that longing brings?
Is there really a whole?

Back in college, my Marriage and Family professor told us...
Every morning, whenever we look in the mirror,
While fixing our face, combing our hair,
We need to tell ourselves,
"Today, God-willing, I'm going to meet the man of my dreams."

What if, you've already met him?
What if?
But how can you know?
How?

Every day I ask.
Every day I get an answer.
The answer is always... Wait.
To wait.
Wait.
No wonder that verb rhymes with weight.
You carry so much.
Your heart is heavy.
Your mind is full of thoughts.
You feel impatient. You feel like you're going nowhere.
You feel like you're being too complicated.
Too hard to understand,
too hard to love.

It's my season of waiting.
I want to love him now.
But I have to wait.
I need to wait.
God wants me to wait.
It's really hard.
The knowledge of God's perfect plan,
is all there is to focus on.
On this season.

"How long, Lord must I wait?
Never mind, child. Trust me."

The knowledge of His perfect plan
therefore brings me to trust in Him.
I don't know if we share the same feelings.
If he likes me as much as I like him
If he wants to be with me as much as I
But I'm holding on to Romans 8:28.
To wait.

"I must trust God in him,
trust God to do for both of us better than I know."

I won't hold on to his promises,
I will not entrust my heart to him.
Not yet. Not until the Lord says so.
Now, I will be my best. For Him.
I will wait.
As I wait,
I will seek Him in everything I do.
Give myself to knowing Him,
loving others, until he comes along with me.
I will give my feelings up to Him,
Prayerfully, I will lift up my desire for James.
And He, my Almighty Father, will take care of the rest.

Every day, every moment without "being with him"
It's a struggle.
It can be a mean cycle.
But it's part of a process.
It may be a pruning process,
or a test of faith,
or a test of patience,
or of obedience.
God only knows. His ways are higher, His thoughts are better.
I consider myself fortunate,
For the end result will always work for our good.

Wait.

Overcoming the overwhelming.

Anything I can do in my life, I can do because You love me.

A line I remembered from watching American Horror Story - Asylum. A line that I can quickly relate to my situation right now. Having been employed recently, I've been going through some ups and downs with work. There are times when I get stressed because I do not know how to do my job well. I just wanna make Him proud with every task given to me. Some days, I can't help but feel that I'm not good enough for my job. That I'm failing my bosses and the one true Boss in my life. And then I remember... It's not about me or about what I do... It's about what He's done. What He's given me. His overflowing, unfailing, and amazing grace that I don't deserve. He was there. Always looking, always smiling down on me..

When I was there in room 702, during my thesis presentation.
When I marched at the Quadrecentennial Pavillion.
When I waved at the audience as I receive my award.
When I went home and I was welcomed with congratulatory smiles and handshakes and hugs.
When I went to that job interview.
When I got hired on the spot.
When I had my 'last' vacation of bumming.
When I was on my way to a shoot for my first day at work.
When I got overwhelmed with the workload.
When I napped on the bus on the way home.

Every day, every moment of my life. He's always with me. I am never alone. I can do anything as long as I remain in Him. I can't do it on my own. But He can do it through me.

“We do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.” (Hebrews 10:39) 

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Another thing I've been praying about is someone... Someone very dear to me. He broke my heart some years ago but I gave him a second chance. A second chance to start anew. To start over again. I have faith in him. In us. But we have to wait. 'Til I let go of my insecurities brought on by previous heartbreak. 'Til we've completely surrendered our desires to God. I don't want to rush things. Love is waiting. I am holding on to his promise to wait for me, even if it hurts to wait... Foremost, I am holding on to His promise of amazing things to come.

I will always be praying for him, for us.. 
Great things come for those who wait on the Lord. Take heart and be courageous.