How?

"How do you handle the impatience
of wanting to be with the man you loved?"

How?

The questions that often cross my mind. It's the season. It's the season when God has placed a desire in my heart and asked for my patience.
I have this loneliness, a kind of longing.
Longing for companionship.
A relationship.
With someone who will take care of me.
Through thick and thin.
Someone who will pursue me.
Who will strive to be with me
No matter how hard that is.

How do I fill the whole that that longing brings?
Is there really a whole?

Back in college, my Marriage and Family professor told us...
Every morning, whenever we look in the mirror,
While fixing our face, combing our hair,
We need to tell ourselves,
"Today, God-willing, I'm going to meet the man of my dreams."

What if, you've already met him?
What if?
But how can you know?
How?

Every day I ask.
Every day I get an answer.
The answer is always... Wait.
To wait.
Wait.
No wonder that verb rhymes with weight.
You carry so much.
Your heart is heavy.
Your mind is full of thoughts.
You feel impatient. You feel like you're going nowhere.
You feel like you're being too complicated.
Too hard to understand,
too hard to love.

It's my season of waiting.
I want to love him now.
But I have to wait.
I need to wait.
God wants me to wait.
It's really hard.
The knowledge of God's perfect plan,
is all there is to focus on.
On this season.

"How long, Lord must I wait?
Never mind, child. Trust me."

The knowledge of His perfect plan
therefore brings me to trust in Him.
I don't know if we share the same feelings.
If he likes me as much as I like him
If he wants to be with me as much as I
But I'm holding on to Romans 8:28.
To wait.

"I must trust God in him,
trust God to do for both of us better than I know."

I won't hold on to his promises,
I will not entrust my heart to him.
Not yet. Not until the Lord says so.
Now, I will be my best. For Him.
I will wait.
As I wait,
I will seek Him in everything I do.
Give myself to knowing Him,
loving others, until he comes along with me.
I will give my feelings up to Him,
Prayerfully, I will lift up my desire for James.
And He, my Almighty Father, will take care of the rest.

Every day, every moment without "being with him"
It's a struggle.
It can be a mean cycle.
But it's part of a process.
It may be a pruning process,
or a test of faith,
or a test of patience,
or of obedience.
God only knows. His ways are higher, His thoughts are better.
I consider myself fortunate,
For the end result will always work for our good.

Wait.

Overcoming the overwhelming.

Anything I can do in my life, I can do because You love me.

A line I remembered from watching American Horror Story - Asylum. A line that I can quickly relate to my situation right now. Having been employed recently, I've been going through some ups and downs with work. There are times when I get stressed because I do not know how to do my job well. I just wanna make Him proud with every task given to me. Some days, I can't help but feel that I'm not good enough for my job. That I'm failing my bosses and the one true Boss in my life. And then I remember... It's not about me or about what I do... It's about what He's done. What He's given me. His overflowing, unfailing, and amazing grace that I don't deserve. He was there. Always looking, always smiling down on me..

When I was there in room 702, during my thesis presentation.
When I marched at the Quadrecentennial Pavillion.
When I waved at the audience as I receive my award.
When I went home and I was welcomed with congratulatory smiles and handshakes and hugs.
When I went to that job interview.
When I got hired on the spot.
When I had my 'last' vacation of bumming.
When I was on my way to a shoot for my first day at work.
When I got overwhelmed with the workload.
When I napped on the bus on the way home.

Every day, every moment of my life. He's always with me. I am never alone. I can do anything as long as I remain in Him. I can't do it on my own. But He can do it through me.

“We do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.” (Hebrews 10:39) 

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Another thing I've been praying about is someone... Someone very dear to me. He broke my heart some years ago but I gave him a second chance. A second chance to start anew. To start over again. I have faith in him. In us. But we have to wait. 'Til I let go of my insecurities brought on by previous heartbreak. 'Til we've completely surrendered our desires to God. I don't want to rush things. Love is waiting. I am holding on to his promise to wait for me, even if it hurts to wait... Foremost, I am holding on to His promise of amazing things to come.

I will always be praying for him, for us.. 
Great things come for those who wait on the Lord. Take heart and be courageous.

It's only love?!

I stumbled upon Matt Cardle's single, It's Only Love. What an outrage it has caused inside me. You don't say it's only love! You don't say that love won't carry you, hold you, save you or see you through! I hate the lyrics of that song. Love is everything. God is love. He is everything. He will carry you, hold you, save you, and see you through. So you don't say it's only love... You say: it's all about love, it's all for love, it's all because of love. Because love is everything.
God is supreme, all-powerful, wonderful, He knows you and He loves you. Don't ever forget that.

Be satisfied with His love

There are days when I would just basically lie around and do nothing. By nothing I mean watch TV, visit social networking sites, check my e-mail, eat, day dream. A big cut from the pie chart of what I do all day is probably daydreaming. Moments after I wake up, I daydream about what I would do all day. After getting up from bed, I drink 2 glasses of water during which I contemplate about the things I need to do, if not daydream. After that, I eat a banana, then breakfast. Sit around and watch TV for an hour or two. Doze off for a few minutes by daydreaming. Take a shower. Eat lunch, wash the dishes. Check Facebook, Twitter, and my e-mail. Wander around the interwebs for a few minutes. And when it's siesta time, I take a nap for 1-2 hours. When I wake up, I go online again or eat some merienda. Then dinner is served, I take care of the dishes. After dinner, I have the TV and the computer to spend the night with. It's either I catch up on some shows or go online and write in this thing.

It's a routine. A healthy routine that keeps me sane. I guess it helps with my creativity. I once read an article about routines helping squeeze out your creative juice. That's why I love them. One thing I'm trying to make into a routine is being satisfied. The things I imagine when I daydream are often things that I don't have but I want to have. Most of the time, I'd say I'm just a hopeless romantic when I try to imagine relationships with people I find attractive. I imagine meeting famous people and being friends with them or making them fall in love with me. I've had different spouses, lots of children, and tons of riches in these daydreams. It is fun but it is never satisfying. It doesn't satisfy at all. It just makes me long for the materialistic aspects of life which are not that important. What I have to work on now, is being satisfied with His love. His unfailing love. His love that constantly provides me what I need. His love that is everlasting. His love that is overflowing. I know that His love is all I need, but knowing is just the first step. To do more than that, I have to practice it. I want to feel His glory, His grace, His presence. I want to bathe in it. I want to share it, so others can feel it too.

I want to be satisfied with His love. That's the routine I want to have everyday.